One Hundred Days of Solitude

Today is a significant day to mark in an appropriate manner.  It’s exactly 100 days since Johnson won the general election and has been honing his leadership by absence skills.  So here is “One Hundred Days of Solitude” to be sung with great gusto to the tune of Rawhide

Hiding, hiding, hiding
It hardly is surprising
Boris Johnson’s hiding away.
Through war and plague, bad weather
no sign of Johnson ever
holed up in his hi-i-deaway.
His big refrigerator
is Johnson’s isolator
from problems he can’t wi-i-sh away.

Duck ‘n’ dive, run ‘n’ hide
Run ‘n’ hide, duck ‘n’ dive,
Duck ‘n’ dive, run ‘n’ hide …. away.
Bluffing here, spaffing there
Spaffing there, bluffing here,
Bluffing here, spaffing …. away.

Keep lying, lying, lying
there is no denying
Johnson’s mouth keeps lying away.
Whether Mustique, Russia, Brexit
Johnson always necks it
Piffle-paffle’s always his way.
Jennifer Arcuri
could convince an honest jury
in a pole dance Johnson go-o-t his way.

Duck ‘n’ dive, run ‘n’ hide
Run ‘n’ hide, duck ‘n’ dive,
Duck ‘n’ dive, run ‘n’ hide …. away.
Bluffing here, spaffing there
Spaffing there, bluffing here,
Bluffing here, spaffing …. away.

Yes, Jennifer Arcuri
could convince an honest jury
in a pole dance Johnson go-o-t his way.

21^st March 2020

Failing Grayling

In a move that has largely slipped under the radar with the dual crises of Coronavirus and Brexit the infamous ex-minister Chris Grayling (aka “Failing Grayling, owing to his catalogue of disasters) has come back into the fold.  This time he’s in charge of Intelligence.  One wonders why.  Rumours are that he has been brought in to bury the Russia Report which Boris suppressed before the general election.  Anyway I can’t pass up the opportunity this offers.

He’s back,
just like Jack in the Shining.
He’s the cloud without a silver lining.
Yes he’s back,
the master of disaster,
the expert at auto-impaling,
providing perspective when the country is ailing.
He’s the one, he’s the only Failing Grayling.

The media have vied
to expose Grayling’s failings.
The Guardian entered with five,
I-news raised the stakes to ten,
the Mirror went to eighteen
but the full extent is still to be seen.

His prowess astounds.
He never fails to confound.
Estimates abound
of his cost to the country
but they hover around
three billion pounds.

He surfed the wave-crest of derision
when mismanaging the country’s prisons.
He astounded the nation
when destroying probation.
But he showed what it really meant to fail
going way, way, way
beyond the pale,
demolishing our networks of rail.

It should have been clear
his career was over
when he engineered
the debacle of Dover.
Trying to simulate a lorry park
he left freight companies all in the dark
and when no lorries ever turned up
he must have known his own time was up..

The moment though was clearly symbolic
for he still wasn’t shown the exit.
His masterly handling of the shambolic
was just what was needed for Brexit
It must have been clear though
his moment was near, so
I can’t let it go, I can’t let it pass
the revelation of his coup de grace.

Sheer brilliance
and it cost only millions.
Brexit needed more ferries
for crossing the channel –
a challenge for Grayling
but he knew a man who’ll
provide all it takes.
No questions asked
as Grayling nonchalantly upped the stakes
and brazenly threw in all his chips
awarding the lucrative contract
to the man with no ships.

Classic Grayling, what a coup
and gladly the end of you know who.
But he must know a secret or two
because now he’s back
and he’s back with fitting recompense
as the head of the country’s intelligence.

14^th March 2020

For more information check out the following:

The Independent: Boris Johnson warned not to make ‘mockery’ of security watchdog by appointing Chris Grayling.

The Guardian: Chris Grayling’s five biggest failings

The I-news: Chris Grayling’s failings: 10 disasters that have happened under his watch

The Mirror: Chris Grayling’s catalogue of failure – the Tory’s 18 most memorable blunders

The Guardian: Exit Failing Grayling – the £3bn master of disaster bows out

 

New Beginnings – The Nudge

On Thursday Boris emerged to give a press conference on the government’s latest plan for handling the coronavirus crisis.  For once he looked serious, but also uncomfortable, as he revealed that basically the government is still recommending doing virtually nothing and delaying decisions on actions which have already taken place all around the world.  He was flanked by two scientists who tried to explain why we are acting differently from everyone else.  It was not convincing, especially given that the latest statistics were showing a doubling in the number of confirmed cases every three days – the implication being that there just isn’t time to delay.

Unbelievable!
Has Boris been taking acting lessons
to lessen the smirk?
He was looking so serious.
He seemed to care
but beneath the facade
the jerk’s still there.
The lessons won’t work.

Boris is afraid to make a decision.
Through his indecision
we’ve reached the position we’re at today
where the spread is doubling
every three days.
Strategically we’ve gone through an initial phase
which Boris explained was “contain” –
a cunning phrase which is really “refrain”
from doing a thing except washing your hands –
as he washes his own hands of any decision
afraid of facing public derision
if he gets it wrong.

Now the song is changing.
Contain hasn’t worked.
The virus has spread,
so we’ll enter the real “delay” phase instead.
Whoopee.
Boris at last has made a decision
to do nothing else but delay the decision.
He’s playing roulette with the population.
What more can I say?
It’s Boris’s way.

But Boris is careful not to make the call.
He’s flanked by scientists who will take the fall.
When the country comes to bury their dead
Boris will pass the blame instead.
He’ll duck and dive and dodge and swerve
to blame the advice
of “flattening the curve”.
Yes he’ll duck and dive and never budge
from the pseudo-science of giving the “nudge”
or passing the buck
to us, the public.
We can decide whilst Johnson hides
from any and every important decision.

By doing nothing,
he says with impunity,
there will be suffering
but we will create “herd immunity”.
Hundreds of thousands of loved ones will die
but the problem is solved
And I,
Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson,
am absolved.

14^th March 2020

For more information check out:
The Guardian …..
Bloomberg: ….. Government Moves to Delay the Worst
The Guardian:  ….. only 36% of Britons trust Boris Johnson 

Great Britain and The Darwin Awards

The Darwin Awards salute the improvement of the human genome by honouring those who accidentally remove themselves from it in a spectacular manner.  Usually this is awarded to individuals but occasionally a country receives recognition.  There is precedence for this – Malta, for example, was awarded for its national bravery during the second world war.  Now it’s rumoured that the UK will soon be the proud recipient for its efforts in making Britain Great again.

The Darwin Awards

Do we live in reality
or what might have been?
Does satire give clarity
when fake news is seen?

It’s rumoured the country has won an award,
the prestigious Darwin Award.
And I must give praise where praise is due.
Boris Johnson is one of the few
who, in putting the Great back into Britain,
had the Darwin judges thoroughly smitten.
His braggadocio style struck the right chord
and his actions had all opposition floored.
You don’t believe me? Then rest assured,
the judges were all of one accord.
They say it thus in their own words:

“We couldn’t overlook the stupidity of an entire nation democratically voting to deprive itself of all its human rights for possibly generations to come. We thought about making 17.4 million individual awards but that wouldn’t work as voting is anonymous and many of the people who voted for Brexit have since died – in some cases as a consequence of their vote already, so those ones should really get special mentions.”

Yes Britain has won the Darwin Award
with the brilliant own goal that Boris has scored.

9^th March 2020

For more information see:
Darwin Awards …..
United Kingdom wins Darwin Award …..

Boris Lies Part 11 – Social Care

Standing in Downing Street in July 2019 on his first day as prime minister, Boris Johnson said: “I am announcing now – on the steps of Downing Street – that we will fix the crisis in social care once and for all ….. with a clear plan we have prepared”. Johnson has avoided the issue ever since and his government failed to produce the promised green paper.  By November Johnson had to admit that the plan was not there in sufficient detail to include in the election manifesto.  Now it seems virtually certain that there was never any plan at all as Johnson hands the hot potato of social care back to MPs and it looks like they are pushing the issue back for 5 years.  No surprise really since we know that Boris always lies.

Boris Johnson stood outside Downing Street.
Boris Johnson stood there and swore,
in tones of sincerest honour,
he’d be helping the needy and poor.
Boris Johnson stood outside Downing Street
boasting he had a plan for sure
to fix the crisis of social care
now and for evermore.
Boris Johnson stood outside Downing Street.
His brilliant plan was prepared …
to be aired by the end of the year.

Boris Johnson had stood outside Downing Street.
Yes his plan had been ready to go.
Now he’s holed up in his hideaway
and the plan is still a no-show.
Johnson’s changed his mind it appears,
the entitlement of the man.
Decide for yourself but the truth is clear
that he spoke of a fictional plan
and the end of the year
could have been near
but he never confirmed which year.

Yes, holed up in his hideaway
it’s clear he hasn’t a clue.
Holed up in his hideaway
he doesn’t know what to do.
Holed up in his hideaway,
from its refrigerated depths,
a plea comes out to all MPs:
”Find a solution, do your ultimate best.
But tell me, just tell me,
you WILL fucking tell me
exactly what we should do.”

Boris Johnson had stood outside Downing Street
and had bragged of his wonderful plan.
But the truth is it was toothless
and Boris is ruthless.
Playing loose with the truth
is the making of Boris the man.

Yes, playing loose with the truth
is the making of Boris the man.

8^th March 2020

 

For more information check out:

The current position: The Independent – Boris Johnson asks MPs to solve social care crisis after admitting he doesn’t have a plan.

Admission of no plan:  The Independent – Boris Johnson admits solution to social care crisis could still be five years away

The election manifesto position: The Guardian – Boris Johnson under fire over ‘vague’ social care funding plans

His original speech:  The Guardian – Pledges to fix social care could cost Boris Johnson dearly

Boris Lies Part 10 – The Patel Ultimatum

Second only to the Corona virus in the last couple of weeks has been the story of Priti Patel and the allegations of bullying against her and of running a toxic regime in the Home Office.  So much so that the head civil servant, Sir Philip Rutnam, not only resigned but made an unheard of public statement against Prit Patel and is suing the government for constructive dismissal.  Who knows what will come next?  Something will, as more stories of her alleged bullying start to emerge, but here is the story so far:

Priti Patel
The minister from hell
So indecisive
coercive, divisive,
she’s mastered the art of lying as well.

A security risk she lied to May
and was sacked the very same day.
But she’s a perfect fit for Johnson’s way
and he put her in place straight away
to get things done in her bullying way.

Johnson’s style is abundantly clear.
In public he will never appear.
He hires his frontmen to cover it all,
gives them the rein and they make the call.
Then they take the fall when the going gets rough
and, in public, Johnson looks tough.

So Priti Patel
The minister from hell
was given the brief
to push through in extremis
the Tory belief ….

“Restrict immigration,
promulgate hate.
Beef up Prevent,
before it’s too late
and let’s not pretend
we’re allowing free speech.
The party lies is all that we preach.
Beef up UC
and trample the poor.
Forget human rights,
play loose with the law.”

The brief was well suited
to a minister who’s hellish
and she took to the task with relish.

She’d bang on the table, shout at her staff.
Hurling invective, she’s not having a laugh.
Briefing against them isn’t enough,
she belittles with jibes and other such stuff.
Then Sir Philip Rutnam, her top adviser
decries her regime and toxic style –
”Bullying is bullying,
enough is enough”.
Defying Patel he takes a tough line
….. and resigns.
And, firing his parting ballistic missile,
sues the government for constructive dismissal.

Now picture the scene in Parliament.
It’s question time
and Priti Patel snuggles up close
to the man whom she admires most.
Yes that’s Boris who lies.

“Hear, hear” ….. “Hear, hear”
come the Tory cries
as Boris announces
with finger pointed
and smirk disjointed
“I have absolute confidence
In the Home Secretary”.

“Hear,hear” ….. “Hear, hear”
come the Tory cries
as, with no surprise,
Gove announces,
with Uriah Heep smile
that stretches a mile:
”She’s a brilliant minister
but there must be an enquiry
….. Internal of course.”

“Shame, shame” come the squawks
from the opposition
who’re in no position
to alter a thing.
But Priti’s face drops,
as the penny drops
that Michael Gove’s backing
is the stab in the back
pointing to where the buck must stop.

With so much support
from the sycophant right
there’s only one thought –
her end is in sight
and she has a bullet to bite.

7^th March 2020

For more information about the story so far check out the following:

The London Economic: Prit Patel faces allegations of bullying staff in third department
The Guardian: Priti Patel is out of her depth – and that is Boris Johnson’s fault
The Guardian: Johnson pushed to disclose when he heard Patel bullying claims

 

 

 

 

 

Boris Lies Part 9 – Racism

The UK’s Equality and Human Rights Commission (EHRC) is facing mounting pressure to investigate the Conservative Party for Islamophobia after being handed a fresh dossier detailing allegations against more than 300 people including MPs, party members, councillors and advisers to Prime Minister Boris Johnson. The dossier, sent to the EHRC by the Muslim Council of Britain (MCB), also reiterates allegations of Islamophobia against the Prime Minister. MCB secretary-general Harun Khan said the Tories have a ‘systemic and widespread’ Islamophobia crisis and accused the party of ‘denial, dismissal and deceit’.

Here’s what Boris Johnson might say in his defence:

Piffle-paffle
Wiffle-waffle
They’re spaffing up the wall
I’m thoroughbred,
Etonian.
A racist? Not at all

As for picaninnies
with their water-melon smiles
I was taken out of context
by the Marxist Corbynphiles

And as for “pillar-boxes”,
those women in their burkas,
my words were plainly twisted
by those Marxist fake-news workers

As for my trip to Burma
when I quoted “Mandalay”
not a word of it was racist –
imperialist, I’d say.

As for my bawdy limerick
of oats, a goat, Erdogan,
it wasn’t racially prompted –
the Turks, I really love ‘em.

I also love the Jewish race,
or Chief Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis
who helped in my election –
branding Corbyn was his service.

As for Islamophobia
in the party – it’s not true.
We’ve thoroughly investigated,
I promise that to you.
Perhaps a misdemeanour,
an incident or two
but it’s not rife,
upon my life,
cross my heart
and cross my fingers too.

Piffle-paffle
Wiffle-waffle
They’re spaffing up the wall
I’m thoroughbred,
real Aryan.
A racist? Not at all.

6^th March 2020

For more information about this topic see:

Metro.co.uk: More than 300 named in dossier on ‘Conservative Party Islamophobia’.

Boris Lies Part 8 – There Once Was a Voter ….

We have been exposed to so many lies from this government – Boris Johnson and his kakistocracy.  As Goebbels famously said – if you repeat lies often enough they become truth; and that is what we are facing.  The kakistocracy is raising this to new levels though; Goebbels would be proud.  I thought I’d try to summarise this process of deception by adapting a famous children’s song.

There once was a voter who swallowed a lie.
I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed a porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed a fib.
Swallowed a fib? From the PM so glib.
They swallowed the fib that covered the porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed some crap.
Swallowed some crap? They fell for the trap.
They swallowed the crap that covered the fib.
They swallowed the fib that covered the porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed a whopper.
Swallowed a whopper? A real show stopper.
They swallowed the whopper that covered the crap.
They swallowed the crap that covered the fib.
They swallowed the fib that covered the porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed the con.
Swallowed the con? That’s Brexit done.
They swallowed the con that covered the whopper.
They swallowed the whopper that covered the crap.
They swallowed the crap that covered the fib.
They swallowed the fib that covered the porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

There once was a voter who swallowed the “truth”.
Swallowed the “truth”? The lie’s now the “truth”.
They swallowed the lie that covered the con.
They swallowed the con that covered the whopper.
They swallowed the whopper that covered the crap.
They swallowed the crap that covered the fib.
They swallowed the fib that covered the porker
that wriggled and jiggled like Boris the talker.
They swallowed the porker that covered the lie
but I don’t know why they swallowed the lie.
It makes me cry.

3^rd March 2020

Boris’s Lies Part 7 – Brexit and the Great British Banger

To be fair to Johnson this isn’t a lie quite yet but is a humongous porker coming down the track.  In the past week we have seen:  the EU aghast that Johnson is reneging on his commitment to standards in the Brexit withdrawal treaty and the political agreement; the National Farmers Union angry with the government for its indication that it will drop food standards thus decimating the market to the EU and encouraging cheaper (and by implication less healthy) food product imports to undermine the home market – remember that a majority of farmers voted for Brexit so turkeys are really coming home to roost.  Of greatest concern though is the potential decimation of the sausage industry since the no-deal brexit will mean no license for British processed meat in Europe.

Yes Boris has got Brexit done.  He’s taking back control.  He’s making Britain “Great” again.  Once more we will be a Colossus astride the international stage.  After all we already have the world’s best health service, the world’s best scientists, the world’s best engineers (oven-ready for HS2 and Boris’s bridge from Scotland to Ireland).  We lead the world in climate change and of course we do have the world’s best leader in charge of a crack team of elite politicians ready to take the world by storm and increase the wealth of a few in our nation.  We also have the best bangers in the world; once upon a time the sun never set on the Great British Banger.  It’s time for us to restore that prestige position, but there’s one small snag ….. Brexit

(Reading note:  in anticipation of “Boris the musical” this can be sung to the very appropriate tune of the British Grenadiers)

Brexit and the Great British Banger

Some talk of chipolata
and some of salami,
of chorizo and frankfurter –
all foreign names to me.
For of all the world’s great bangers
there’s none that can withstand
the hearty, wholesome goodness
of the British Cumberland.

But now we’re leaving Europe
’cos we’ve got Brexit done.
With a no-deal deal from Boris
our sausage trade is gone.
Unlicensed for our processed meat
our sausages are banned
with an end to the wholesome goodness
of the British Cumberland.

Forget the fishing industry,
that entente’s not cordiale.
Snollygoster Boris Johnson
must do something radical
to save the British banger
from Brexit’s crazy plan
or else we’ll lose forever
the British Cumberland.

Yes we will lose forever
the British Cumberland.

24^th February 2020

For more information on this story check out: …..

Metro.co.uk: British sausages face being banned in EU after Brexit.

Boris Lies Part 6 – Dark Materials

Recently the author Philip Pullman had a go at Boris.  He famously described Boris last year as a parasitic worm.  This year he’s given him the epithet “greedy brute” in reference to the fact that unlike anyone else he didn’t pay for his luxury holiday in Mustique but it was paid for by someone else.  Boris went further though.  He lied about who had actually paid for it, hasn’t revealed the truth since or explained why his holiday was gratis.  Good subject matter for dark materials.

Philip Pullman versus Boris,
it seems I am not alone.
When it comes to dark materials
Boris is right at home

Last year Boris was ‘parasitic worm’,
this year a ‘greedy brute’ –
both two alter-daemons
incapable of truth.

Who paid for Boris’s holiday,
and more important why?
Who paid for Boris to hide away –
that’s the rub and there’s the lie.

Boris hid in the Caribbean,
Iran and US on the brink of war
Surely everyone needs to know –
Boris, what’s the score?

15^th February 2020

If you want to check out the full story: …..

The Independent: “Philip Pullman calls Boris Johnson a ‘greedy brute’ amid luxury Caribbean holiday controversy”.