Tee-total Texan whose family feared he was an alcoholic cannot stay sober as his stomach turns food into ‘beer’

Edited copy of Image:The Brewer designed and e...

Edited copy of Image:The Brewer designed and engraved in the Sixteenth. Century by J Amman.png (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This is the sort of story which you just couldn’t make up and it’s not April 1st.  Of course Dave isn’t his real name but it’s quite good for rhyming!  Maybe he carry’s the solution to putting the drinks industry out of business.  I wonder what would happen if you swallowed a packet of brewer’s yeast and then ate a couple of slices of bread – much cheaper than a pint of beer or a bottle of wine!

 

My Name is Dave

My name is Dave.
I’m from Texas
and I’m a tee-total alcoholic.
As you may have heard
my story’s absurd
but the word’s got out about Dave.
Dave is my name
and I’m playing no game
this tale is my sole claim to fame.

I want to be brave.
I want to be saved
but I constantly crave
anything made from starch.
Pasta or bread, or a fresh baguette
would set my taste buds on the march.
You see, I have within my gut
a largesse, a surfeit, a glut of yeast
for which a bun is quite a feast.
They go to work straight away,
fermenting all the starch away
and filling my gut with alcohol,
a beery brew, intestinal.

And in the shortest blink of an eye,
in less than a jiffy,
I’m feeling quite squiffy,
pissed as a newt, drunk as a lord,
you know the score,
over the limit, five times or more.

I’m living my days
in a permanent haze.
I could scream, I could shout;
my wife’s thrown me out
on many occasions
for raising hell
just at the smell
of freshly baked bread
which simply went straight to my head.

My syndrome’s so strange
that it makes me deranged.
I’ve complained and complained
and now it’s arranged
that I’ll be the subject of medical research,
taken on board, not left in the lurch.
They’ll be judge, they’ll be jury
on my Auto-Brewery.

My name is Dave
and I’m a tee-total alcoholic.
Bread’s my sin.
Starch in, beer out,
no common or garden lager lout.

________________________________________________________________________
19th September 2013 – headline from the Daily Mail

Notes:  “The human brewery: Tee-total Texan whose family feared he was an alcoholic cannot stay sober as his stomach turns food into ‘beer’.”  Suffering from auto-brewery syndrome, his stomach produces brewer’s yeast, called saccharomyces cerevisiae, that goes into his blood stream, creating the exact same effect as beer.  He gets drunk the moment he wakes up, at church, at work, or out walking with his family.  Distraught, his wife could not understand how her husband managed to fit his drinking into the day without her even noticing.  Once he stumbled into a hospital in Texas complaining of dizziness.  Doctors laughed when he told them he hadn’t had anything to drink, despite being five times over the limit.  But they were astounded when gastroenterology tests showed his stomach uncontrollably brews beer.

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