Testicle-eating fish, the Pacu, found in Paris

Image of Colossoma macropomum (pacú, pacu, tam...

Image of Colossoma macropomum (pacú, pacu, tambaqui), approx. 8 dm TL; Location: Manaus Fish Market, Brazil; Photo dated: 01.09.2000 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Not exactly a ‘rib-tickling’ story for Sept 3rd.  Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the water you read this sort of horror story and the Pacu may be on its way to the warm gulf-stream waters of the UK.  Anyone seen Piranha and the even whackier Piranha 2?


Picture the scene
on the banks of the Seine.
You may think I’m insane
but I have to explain
that for Claude and Pierre
who were fishing down there
this was a regrettable day.

Dressed in waders and vest
they’d found the best place
up to their waist
close to mid-stream
where the perch and the bream
would flurry in an angler’s dream.

Then ……
“Zut alors,” Pierre swore,
“did you see what I saw
cruising over there through the reeds?”
“O mon dieu, sacre bleu,”
Claude had to aver.
“Yes indeed I have seen
something looking quite mean.
Ecoute, mon ami,
let’s get the hell out of here.”

But the die had been cast,
the ‘thing’ approached fast
and Claude was the first to succumb.
He gave a shriek call
“something’s gripping my balls.
Oh merde, holy shit!”
as the monstrous thing bit
deep into Claude’s pendulous plums
………..  and ripped
them away.

Claude let out a scream
as blood reddened the stream.
“Au secours,” called Pierre
but no-one was there
to rush to the anglers’ aid.
Claude went quite pale.
Pierre bravely stayed
and gaff-hooked the beast.
“At least”, thought Pierre
as he lunged and he slayed,
“this monstrous fish
won’t be the one that got away.”

They struggled ashore.
Claude was really quite poor
and turned green when he saw
his balls in the jaw
of the Pacu.


They’d slaughtered the beast
and it made a good feast
lightly grilled with some lemon and dill.
When they’d eaten it all
there remained just the balls
which they covered in brie
and like true ‘vrai amis’
they shared equally
in gallic bonhomie
with a fine burgundy
all with entente and good will.

3rd September 2013 – headline from the Independent

Notes:  “Testicle-eating fish, the Pacu, found in Paris with fears it could be coming to the UK.”  With the appearance of the piranha, but with teeth that look uncannily human, the pacu usually dines on a feast of insects, decaying plants and fruit that falls into the waters of the Amazon. But it has become more known for reportedly dining on another food: men’s testicles.  The pacu is now on the move, and has now been found in Paris.


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